On behalf of all Malaysians, I would like to thank Yang Bahagia Tun Abdullah Ahmad Badawi for his 31 years of exemplary public service to our country, his commitment to strengthening the institutions and fabric of our democracy and for his graceful example as our leader.
What a bloody mess he's left behind!
I am grateful to Yang Bahagia Tun for his confidence in proposing my name as prime minister to Duli Yang Maha Mulia Seri Paduka Baginda Yang di-Pertuan Agong, and I am honoured that His Majesty has consented to my appointment with this morning’s swearing-in ceremony.
Thank Lord Muruga he's finally out of the way! I thought he'd never get his sleepy ass out of the seat, playing coy about the handover date and all that! Lucky I got some experience blackmailing royalty and managed to get YDP Agong to rubber stamp me chop-chop. But the bloody Chief Secretary screwed it up! Apa punya bodoh - release statement BEFORE kami jumpa YDP? Note to self - C him 4 disciplinary action!
I feel a deep sense of humility at the opportunity to serve as your prime minister at an important time in our nation’s history.
Finally, it's my turn to play! God said so, who says no?
My life has been dedicated to public service.My father and my uncle were both PMs, ok! Since young, I got all the positions I wanted on the strength of their names!
Growing up, I was inspired by the positive impact of public service in the example of my late father.
I got photos of my father working. What more proof you need that I am as good as or better than him, huh?
Four decades on, I remain committed to the goals of tackling poverty;
Forty years after my dad, I am committed to filling the pockets of my cronies,
of restructuring our society;
oppressing dissenters, persecuting the Opposition, and widening the racial divide
of expanding access to quality education for all;
expanding the BTN propaganda machine to schools and enforcing more unjust racial quotas
and of inspiring a new generation of young Malaysians to work on behalf of this great country.
thus creating a whole new generation of UMNO zombies who will obey us without question.
My own service in government has always been about getting results: to ensure a better deal for teachers,
I fiddled with the education system until teachers, students and other staff have no idea what Malaysian education is about anymore,
to improve conditions for our brave soldiers,
I bought damn fancy military hardware (that they will never use) for them to cruise around in (and pocketed a tidy commission!),
and to strengthen our economy in defence of the people of Malaysia, as we deal with the outbreak of a global recession.
and I threw RM70 billion in "stimulus packages" at UMNO/BN cronies to keep myself in power, while we can conveniently blame the global recession for the really badly affected rakyat.
In the coming weeks, I will be consulting with people around our country, as I begin to reshape the leadership and priorities of the government.
I'll be visiting the UMNO Tuans nationwide to see what they want to get now that they elected me into power.
I am mindful that we should build on the successes and lessons of the past.
I am mindful that the rakyat have had enough of our past modes of robbing the country. They need to be modified.
It must be a government with new approaches for new times – a government that places a priority on performance and results, because the people must come first.
We have to find new ways to get whatever we want, however we want, whenever we want and we have to find new ways to fool the rakyat we are robbing.
We must reach out to all parts of Malaysia… to all our diverse communities.
We're also going on an massive campaign of aggression. You're either for us, or against us.
In our national discourse and in pursuing our national agenda, we must never leave anyone behind.
We will be spreading propaganda like there's no tomorrow. If you prove to be too much of a nuisance, there will be no trace left behind after you!
We must reach out to the many who may have been disaffected and left confused by political games, deceit and showmanship.You will listen to us only and you will obey only what we tell you to do.
We must draw on talented people across our nation, regardless of their position or background, to re-energize a passion for public service.
We will be placing proven UMNO men in every nook and cranny of government (regardless if they are qualified or not) to ensure we always have absolute control.
We must sow the seeds of goodwill and understanding in every corner of this land, so that we continue to harvest the fruits of progress and prosperity for all Malaysians.
We have to keep the people docile and unquestioning so that we can continue to plunder the land.
We must seek to include and unlock the potential of our young people who will be the next generation of leaders, businesspeople, engineers, scientists, teachers and doctors. We must give them wings to fly.
We must recruit more Pemuda, Putra and Puteri and give them cash and positions to be jet-setters like KT.
I will not stop, I will rob till I drop! If you are with me you will share my spoils!
In this spirit, I would like to announce that the government has decided with immediate effect, to remove the temporary ban on two news publications,
This is the start of the disinformation campaign. I'm really hoping that you're hare-brained enough to think that I had nothing to do with the ban in the first place,
release 13 detainees from ISA detention,
I'm also hoping that you're hare-brained enough to be happy I let go some people who have no cause to be in jail in the first place. Hope to Lord Muruga that you don't remember the other 50 people still rotting in Kamunting.
and conduct a comprehensive review of the Internal Security Act. Additional details will be announced by the Ministry of Home Affairs shortly.
The ISA seriously need to be strengthened. How come RPK, Theresa and that kuchi rat reporter can all escape? Ni semua dah tak takut dah! I'll get the idiot Syed Hamid to make the announcement and he can take the flak for it.
These decisions are timely as we move to enhance the confidence of our citizens in those entrusted with maintaining peace, law and order,
I will make sure the fear of the Devil is drummed into those noisy people ASAP by my guard dogs, the PDRM, MACC, Judiciary, etc,
while recognising the need to remain vigilant of the very real security threats we continue to face as a young nation.
No mercy for those dissenters. We're watching you and the hammer will fall hard and quickly!
I know that for every citizen, these are hard times and I remain focused in providing strong leadership to lead us out of this economic crisis and unleash our full potential as a nation. I will be steadfast in my commitment to meet the needs, aspirations and concerns of all Malaysians.
These are hard times. And I will be merciless in enforcing my rule. You can join me and unleash your full potential to grow rich or you can be against us and perish! I am steadfast in my commitment to do this!
So today I ask you to join me in this task of renewing Malaysia. I urge us to rise to the challenge of building a One Malaysia. People First. Performance Now.
Rally to me and we'll enforce the Ketuanan UMNO on the nation like there's no tomorrow!! There shall be only one identity for Malaysia and the whip starts cracking now!
Let us begin this great journey together.